Today’s quiz: What kind of “-occer” mommy are you?

By Karrie McAllister

I am really hoping that my children will really stink at soccer. I hope they excel in other sports, but I’d be happy if they never had to don shin guards and cleats.
Why? I’ll tell you that it’s for purely selfish reasons. Some of the same reasons I flat out refuse to drive a mini-van even though I sometimes drool at how convenient and downright handy it would be.
You see, I’ve spent the last few years of my life working very hard to not be a soccer mom.
Not that there’s anything wrong with being a soccer mom, they just get a bad rap for being overly involved with their children, yelling at referees, having the local gymnastic schedules memorized, and being generally annoying.
So as far as stereotyping mothers, there seems to be only two types: a slacker mom or a soccer mom, and neither one is very appealing.
But I’m here to stop all of that. I’m here to broaden the scope of stereotyping moms beyond laziness and the soccer field. I’m here to introduce a whole new era of mommies.
Type I: The Soccer Mom. The Soccer Mom is usually found driving a mini van that has “my kid is an honor roll student” stickers plastered all over the back. She’s always got juice boxes in the back seat and usually wears the colors of the local sports team. The Soccer Mom is a fabulous mom because she really cares about her kids, their well-being and their community.
Type II: The Rocker Mom. The Rocker Mom is usually found driving her kids around in anything BUT a mini van. Her babies usually get toted around in a sling made of some wild printed fabric. She still wears her favorite concert t-shirts and doesn’t think anything of her kids singing along with the “cleaner” rock songs. The Wiggles have never entered her stereo, and her kids have been seen with mohawks and it’s not Halloween. The Rocker Mom is a fabulous Mom because she really cares about her kids and teaches them so well to be their own person.
Type III: The Birkenstocker Mom. The Birkenstocker Mom is the hippie mom of today. She doesn’t care what car she drives as long as it’s got good environmental ratings and the stickers in the back probably say something about animals or nature. Her children eat things like hummus and homemade granola, and usually pack organic apples in their lunches. The family usually celebrates holidays of other cultures and never forgets Earth Day. The Birkenstocker Mom is a fabulous Mom because she really cares about her kids and teaches them to care about themselves, others, and the world they live in.
Type IV: The Bacher Mom. The Bacher Mom surrounds her family with the arts. Classical music (hence “Bach” in the name) is always played in the home, which most likely has a tiny cable-free television or no television at all. Her children take art classes and dance classes and are usually more musically talented at age five than most people you know. They frequent the orchestra and theater and you can bet your NPR that they eat a lot of whole-grained food. The Bacher Mom is a fabulous mom because she really cares about her kids and enriches their lives through culture and experience.
I realize that these are serious stereotypes and it would be nearly impossible to find one type to fit a single mom. I personally can find myself in each and every one—there are juice boxes in my non-mini van with nature stickers on the back while I wear old t-shirts and listen to NPR. And I’d guess that most moms can find a little bit of themselves in each type.
The bottom line is pretty clear, though. No matter what type you are, the fact that you care about your kids makes you the best type of mom…a pretty fabulous one.